Why is there a pig in your classroom?

This is Ueller bay. He is in my classroom and he lights up.


Kids walk in and ask ” Why is there a pig in your room?”

Me: ” Why not?”

The German teacher has a tiger striped duck in his room. The Roman helmet is from when we stole him. It. Whatever. No one questions HIM.

tiger striped wooden duck with roman helmet

Eventually I felt compelled to explain to someone.

“I wanted to buy a giant inflatable sock monkey Santa for my friend and tie it to her roof. But they were sold out at Home Depot, Lowes, Sears, hardware stores, the Christmas tree store, everywhere. So I settled for a winged pig and a light up cow with a seasons greetings sign. I put it on her porch, lit them up and ran away.”

The following year she drove over to my house in the dead of 7 p.m. and put it on my porch. I had no choice but to return it to her front lawn and stake it there with a large sign announcing her heartless abandonment.

She brought it into school. I put it in the French teachers room and there it had a home for 3 months until one day I found him sitting at my desk along with the witches broom I left on her desk one day with a note saying ” you forgot your ride home.”

I finished. One girl looked at me and said, ” Whatever happened to buying someone an Itunes gift card?”

woefully illiterate in zombie survival


Me: I took an archery lesson and I wasn’t even pathetic

Daughter:The archery will help you during the zombie apocalypse

Me: What, you can double kill dead people?

Her: You are woefully illiterate in zombie survival

Me: Ummm..this is true. But I haven’t had any practice. Have you?

Her: yes, and while there is variation in what it takes, it is generally a disruption of the brain signal. you have to get them in the head. I mean, I haven’t had practice braining zombies. But I pay attention to what I would need to know should it come to that.

Me: I believe one of the fundamental definitions of being dead is having no brain signal.

(Here my husband, who is evidently conversant in zombie lore, AND eavesdropping, informs me that there is reactivation of the brain.

Her: well, the reanimation of a corpse and relevant motor skills would tend to make me think there is some brain function going on.

Me: So they aren’t the undead. They’re the sort of but not quite dead.

Her: Depends on the lore. But yeah.

( At this point it occurs to me that I am  having a serious and critical conversation about zombies)

Her: You’re the one taking archery lessons. That seems the most likely scenario for it to come in handy.

Me: I’m glad we had this bonding moment over zombies

Her: Either that or if you accidentally travel 200 years back in time.

Me: There’s always shooting seagulls.

Her: That’s illegal. ( this from a person who had a much used card in her jeans during her college years that read: what to do when you’re arrested for protesting with Carmelite nuns)

Me: So is calling a lawyer a daffydowndilly. And as I recall, you were an accessory to a seagull death with a firearm. You see me saying ” Criminal!” ( for further explanation see Lock and Load: a story of gun control in this blog)

Her: I thought that was an urban legend. Although I suppose that could sound very naughty to an 18th century ear.

Me: it was the 16th century.

Her: And that (seagull murder) crushed me. I don’t want you to live with the burden I bear from that tragic and terrible death.

Me: I think I could live with it. They bear no resemblance to Bambi. Besides, once they steal your spicy Thai seafood wrap there is no mercy.

All this talk about zombies made me think of the French teacher. An interesting segue, I know.

Me: Checked into inflatable zombies. I’m always thinking of you.

Frenchie:  you have too much time on your hands

Me: I make time for the unimportant things in life.

Frenchie: I’m glad I’m high on your list

Me: I found one about 40 ft tall but it would take up half the parking lot.Giant Zombie

Frenchie: Administrators would be pissed. They don’t have a sense of humor.

Me: Be interesting to fill it with helium and tie it to your car.

I quickly tire of the French teacher and return to my kid.

Me: I’ll try and get a zombie blow up doll for your visit next week. It will be waiting for you on a seat in the bathroom around 2 a.m. Drink lots of beer.

Her: Well, that is an incentive to visit like nothing I’ve ever heard.

Me: I can do house calls too.