One day I saw this in a magazine. My reaction:  I GOTTA GET ME ONE OF THESE!  I could take it to school and put it in the student bathrooms.

No, I am not an 8 year old boy.

Then I realized that school bathrooms don’t have lids, and you have to attach it to a toilet seat lid. I was crestfallen. But I could give it as a gift! What a great gift! I knew just the person.

No, it was not an 8 year old boy.

I gave a woman over the age of 12 a toilet monster and she wasn’t remotely shocked, puzzled, or offended. She understood the joy it could bring. That was when I knew she was my friend.

I desperately wanted her to put it in the bathroom her three daughters used. She kept saying she was waiting for the “right moment.”   What right moment? You ply someone with water or beer and let nature take its course.

Isn’t it wonderful? And they come in assorted colors.

One night during a party, a friend of her son came in to use the facilities. They heard a shriek and then saw someone run outside and pee in the rhododendrons.

Her daughters had no reaction to the toilet monster at all.

I asked one, ” How can you not have a reaction to a toilet monster?”

She sighed.  ” You just don’t understand what our home life is like.”

It has come to my attention that Gallic Girl, Madame Talk Through Your Nasal Cavity, thinks that this blog is all about her. Well, I have 75 posts, and at least  25 of them are NOT about her. Maybe more. So coming soon, is a post NOT ABOUT THE FRENCH TEACHER.  I suppose she’ll stop reading the blog now. Insufferable ego.

The french teacher ( notice the lower case “f” which  is my subtle put down, although not so subtle if I have to point it out. I need a more sensitive audience) sent out a group email and EXCLUDED ME. Ok, so there are 13, 14 people in our department. She couldn’t add on more than nine. Do I believe this? No, of course not. This is an opportunity for me to feel aggrieved, forgotten, unloved. Whatever.

ME: You forgot me. Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Latin teacher.

Her:  Oh shush. It wouldn’t let me tag anyone else.

Me: Oh shush. merda tauri.  That be Latin speak. Let me see…you got 9 out of …14 of us? That makes me chopped liver. And you a vegetarian. I am so putting bacon bits in your coffee.

Her: IT WOULDN’T LET ME TAG ANY MORE PEOPLE!

( notice all caps? she’s starting to snap)

ME:I am creating a crowd funding event to raise money to put a giant winged Santa on her roof, with interchangeable parts so it can be a giant elderly cupid for Valentines day. At least$ 150 for the inflatable, $200 or so for the workmen, and a$ 100 or so to keep the Frenchie and spouse preoccupied at the local watering hole while this is anchored permanently onto their roof. WHO IS IN?

After all, I like a laugh or so too.I’m just too insignificant to be included…… send those donations in folks! Wow. got $150 already. I might be able to add a blinking giraffe

I am so investing in the remote controlled inflatable shark.The one that bites.

actual text.  almost.

French teacher:  A 7 foot snowman appeared across the street and its not even December.  Bastards.

Me: Hey,  its  not even Thanksgiving. Things could be worse. It could be on your front lawn.

Silence while I digest this information.

Me: Oh.

Me: Ummm, so what’s your address?

Me: It’s , ah, for a Christmas card.

Me: yeah, that’s it.  A Christmas card.

Me: Ok, don’t tell me. I’ll ask your department coworkers. They cave easily.

Me: I saw this 8 foot inflatable turkey. The tail feathers move.

French teacher:  NO. NO.

Me: you’re so cute when you try to be authoritarian. Does anyone ever listen?

French teacher: Only my students. Occasionally.

Me:  ITS ON ORDER

This is Pted. Pted is the pterodactyl on the cabinet, stalking the flag. The  sign around his neck says ” Je m’appelle Pted.

The silent P  in Pted is pronounced with a slight breathy labial puff, followed by a Gallic nasal intonation, with a soft segue into a hint of a dental and an implied palatal.

I know. Sometimes I just can’t help myself.

A French student came to my door and asked, ”  Do you know why you can’t hear pteoydactyls in the bathroom?   Because the pee is silent.”

And then she turned on her heel and left.

One day  I googled the  most  random thing I could think of. ” Inflatable Pteradactyls.”

Thirty sites popped up.  More sites, mind you, than googling ” cats in lobster costumes.”

I  established a decorating fund for it.

Not for me, of course. For Madame Eiffel Tower. But I thought it looked rather impressive with its five foot wingspan taped underneath her projector shade.

The scream when the shade was snapped up was impressive too.

student A:   I bring spice to this class.

student B:  I bring geometry.