translations are a perk of being a language teacher. One of my favorites: from the Latin, which was essentially ” deer, with their branching antlers” became
“ the leafy deer.”
in that same class, the Latin ” bolts of lightning were hurled from the heavens at the ships on the sea” became
“ bolts of flaming ships were hurled at the heavens.
the class drew pictures of their translations for a project. Leafy deer and flaming ships in the heavens.
My students made a large horse out of chicken wire.
I guess it was going to be a Trojan horse. It took up a lot of space in my classroom.
I put a Roman helmet on it and moved it into France. Or French class.
Sometimes the French teacher clenches her teeth so hard I’m afraid she’ll get lockjaw. You think its me?
My French grandmother told me many years ago that ” my little cabbage” was a term of endearment.
Cabbage? who knows. its the French.
So I got a brussel sprout, donated by a Latin/French student. its a little cabbage, right? nasty little suckers.
I hot glued it to a white board and left it on the French teacher’s computer. Mon Petit Chou.
Her: What the hell am I going to do with this once it starts to rot?
Me:Not my problem now.
Its still on her desk, mummifying.
my little cabbage
I spend an inordinate amount of time pondering things to inflict on the French teacher. Some have not been put into action yet. We may invade France and capture Vercingetorix. She hasn’t quite realized that SHE will be Vercingetorix. Another plot involves large amounts of wrapping paper, walkie talkies, music, and hidden cameras. Just kidding. No hidden cameras.
Really, having a room next to her was the best thing that happened this year. I’m not sure she feels the same way.
She did have one moment of revenge.
She walked into my classroom, looked around, ran to the box of tissues, tore all the tissues out, and ran out with the box. With peals of maniacal laughter.
I think MY students thought she was nuts.
I found a ten pound brick labeled ” Expert SKIPPING STONE. its all in the wrist” by my computer.
Students are baffled by it. ( except for the one who gave it to me) They pick it up and say ” Its a BRICK! why would you buy a BRICK?” Or they say
“How can you skip this? It weighs ten pounds!” Boys will pick it up and go off scratching their heads, muttering to themselves.
” What the …how ??”
It doesn’t immediately occur to anyone that this is a joke.
its all in the wrist
The French teacher was inordinately proud of her podium, which some talented student had burned her name into in 3D. Her undoing was announcing ” Now no one can steal my podium.”
Who could resist such a challenge? Not me of weak will. Another French teacher helped me run down the hall with it and lock it in the storage room.
The halls resounded with barely repressed shouts of ” MERDE”. But she found it.
So, being possessed of budding criminal minds,we made a new name for her podium. Snarf is short for snarfblatt. What, you never watched Little Mermaid? Its a word.
snarf podium
Sometimes, to relieve stress, or to entertain myself, I torment the French teacher.
This has enriched my life immeasurably.
I established a pet squirrel fundraiser outside her door. There is actually money in it.
A banana rolled in on a tricycle. He announced that everyone should have him for breakfast with their Cheerios, and rolled out the door.
This is not ENTIRELY mine. A student looked at my version, a sophomore no less, and commented that I didn’t have a unifying connection in the dialogue that would create tension and build up to the final denouement. Then he walked off and sat down for class. I didn’t know whether I wanted to smack him upside the head or give him chocolate. He wrote in Odysseus and the song at the end. If he didn’t get credit he would think up some diabolical trick to play on me. The ten pound skipping stone he bought me is another story. Here we go with this story.
Odysseus: Listen up men! We’ll exit on my command. Troy is ours! Now
1st soldier: Its dark in here
O: What?
!st: I’m a little afraid of the dark. You know, just a little. You can’t see things.
O: Quiet! After we turn off Oracle boulevard…
2nd: I know what you mean. Something can crawl on you and you don’t know what it is.
O: you’re trained soldiers for Joves sake!
1st: and you begin to imagine teeth, hairy little legs… its worse when there are more than four because then it’s a bug. Hey, is that your hand?
2nd: no
1st: well, whats that running down my leg?
2nd: its my lunch
1st: you eat insects?
2nd: its crab
1st why is it moving?
2nd: I didn’t have time to kill it.
1st: can I have a bite?
2nd: sure
1st: it just bit me!
2nd: you know its fresh
O: Pay attention!
3rd: its hot in here
O: O for…
3rd:I itch under my armor. Maybe I could take it off. just for a little while
O :NO!
Sulky silence.
3rd: you’re touching me.
2nd: no I’m not
3rd: yes you are. ODYSSEUS! He’s touching me.
2nd: I am not. Its my sword
3rd: that is NOT your sword.
O: ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS on our formations when we leave the horse?
3rd: Do we have a war cry? Like COWABUNGA! Or charge! Or run in one direction at high velocity!
O : I should have known that question was a mistake
1st: so when do we get out?
O: when the Trojans get drunk and fall asleep.
1st: why are they having all the fun? Why can’t we party too?
O: because once they finish having all the fun we invade the city, take all their stuff, kill everyone and burn the city down.
1st: Oh.
3rd: anyone want to hear some music? Get us in the mood for pillaging Troy!
Everyone: YEAH
They all sing: Oh, into the meadow filled with daisies, I go to see my prince. A kiss! A kiss! A kiss is all I wish! My prince……
Odysseus stabs them all from behind. Another opens the trap door.
Soldier:Odysseus, the coast is clear! ( looks at bodies)
O: it’s a long story.
“…..and then the spaghetti fell out of my pants.”
I was assured that, heard in context, this was truly hilarious. They wouldn’t tell me the context.
Heard in the Classroom 